The Christmas Heart

This time last year I went out on a half mile run in my running shorts and tank top. Then I tried to cool off as I finished the last of my gift wrapping, while watching one of my favorite non-holiday shows, just trying to make it through another Christmas. At that time, I had absolutely no idea what the next twelve months would hold for me.

Christmas has been a rough time for me for a long time. Growing up, while I enjoyed Christmas time and all the excitement and family events, I always struggled to really enjoy a lot of the things that the season brings. Everything felt fake and the real meaning for the holiday was lost. All the Christmas songs and movies were all about “me”, or things that had nothing to do with the birth of a Savior. Everyone seemed more interested in getting in all their traditions, or what gifts they were going to get for which family member or friend, than they were with actually celebrating the birth of Jesus. Even in the Christian circles Jesus seemed to me more often to be just tacked on as the “Reason for the Season” but not fully the center focus.

It took me years to get to a point where I could celebrate joyfully from my heart, and focus on my OWN heart during this time, instead of being distracted by all the fluff I saw and allowing it to take away from how I celebrated Christ each Christmas. But slowly, God helped transform my perspective. Christmas became my favorite time of year…truly.

Then, a few years ago, my world collapsed. Christmas became a dreaded time of year. Winter, my favorite season, became dark and miserable in my mind. Each year I would just try to make it through. I would go running, trying to distract myself from all the holiday festivities going on at my house. I isolated myself as much as possible, hating all the music and unable to watch the movies that used to bring so much joy to me and my family.

Christmas Eve last year, as I ran on my usual route, wiping the sweat dripping down my neck from the heat, I prepared myself to feel like this for many Christmases to come. I missed my Midwest winter (that actually felt like winter), and I had no idea how long it would be until Christmas no longer brought pain to my heart. While that day I prayed for things to change in me, being the pessimist I tend to be, I figured it would be a long while…and I figured I would be subject to many more hot winters…as I saw no change in sight. But the Lord had other ideas.

2022. A year no one in my family saw coming…especially myself.

This year brought so many adventures, so many changes. This year God brought healing to my heart, in a most unexpected way…and to some, in a way no one wanted.

This year, so different from all the past years, brought new members into the family, opened many exciting opportunities, opened the doors back to our Midwest life, brought sickness…and brought healing.

No one expects to be healthy, functioning and driving one moment, and sitting in a hospital bed the next. No one wants to find out they have something physically wrong with them, something that will take you down a long difficult road to recovery. Yet no one expects complete healing for the heart to come from a difficult physical illness diagnosis. But that is exactly how God decided to do it.

This year I may not be able to go running, but I could still go on a walk. This year I may not have been able to put on my running shoes, but I was able to wear my boots and flannel for the first Christmas Eve in many years. I was able to walk at my own fast pace, breathing in deep of the beautiful fresh air for the first time in five months.

This year I may not be able to braid my own hair, but I can be a redhead once again for a while.

This year may be different, this journey one that I did not want, and I may still have a difficult road ahead of me, but this year my heart is truly joyful this Christmas. God has answered my prayers over the past few years. I asked Him to heal my heart, to renew my faith, and help me believe in hope and miracles once again.

It took a while…it took a major change to get my attention…but the healing is starting to come to fruition. I never expected that it would require the healing of my physical heart to complete the healing of my emotional one, but God had the plan all the time. He truly is Jehovah Rapha, my Healer.

Now to Him Who is able to do abundantly more than we ask or think…

~

The frozen heart is thawing…and the phoenix will rise again.